It’s 4am and this mama can’t sleep. Baby usually pushes on my bladder in the 3 o’clock hour every night. I’m lucky if I can fall back asleep within the few hours I have left before it’s time to start the day. I know, I know…using my phone doesn’t help.
But my mind is heavy.
With our toddler sons, we are currently:
2/2 with hand, foot, and mouth disease (which is a deceiving name since it also includes knees and bum!)
1/2 with some major constipation
2/2 with fussing, whining, and fighting
They’ve thrown themselves on the floor. They’ve fussed and reached up to be held, just to immediately squirm to be put back down. They’ve thrown major fits, because Daddy walked outside to throw the trash and didn’t take them with him. They’ve cried hysterically because I sat down to hold them instead of stand up. They’ve yanked toys out of the other’s hands, and purposely destroyed the other’s train track setup. They’ve refused to eat, because the dog was in the kitchen with them. They’ve dumped their food from their plate on the floor and on the table. They’ve put food on the other’s plate to make it look like they were done eating.
“All done, mommy!”
And that’s just a bit from this weekend.
The parents in this household are currently:
2/2 tired, not looking forward to work today, and worried about our babies’ health
1/2 majorly swollen head to toe, working through numb hands caused by carpal tunnel, and feeling the pressure of baby’s every movement
1/2 dealing with a pinched nerve and inflammation in the neck
2/2 wondering how the heck we are going to survive the 3 under 3 + 2 Working Parents Club when baby arrives in the next month
But despite how hectic and overwhelming it’s been lately, I’m truly thankful for it all. I’m thankful that my husband and I are a team at the core of all we do. We find our ways to be a little stronger when the other is feeling down. Like when I’m peeing for the billionth time that day and just start crying with how scared I am to go through labor plus having two sick kids and holy moly what are we going to do when the baby is here and they’re all sick? My husband encourages me that I’m strong and able and manages to make me laugh.
And I’m thankful for the sweet moments we experience with the kids. The times they snuggled me a little closer when I sat down to hold them (because at that particular moment sitting down was an acceptable choice haha). The times they excitedly said “look at me” when they were proud of what they built with their toys. The times we chased them through the house and soaked up the sweet sound of their laughter. The times they climbed in our laps or laid their head on our shoulders. And all the “thank you mommy” and “love you daddy” in between. The moments that make it all worth it.
I can’t tell you how many times we felt like failures this weekend. Should have been more patient. Shouldn’t have raised my voice. Should have tried to teach him the right thing instead of immediately putting him in time-out. The list could go on forever.
And I’m figuring out that this is parenting realness. Treasuring the sweet moments, wondering how you’re going to survive the crazy ones, and always running life over in your head with what you could have done better.
That’s a heavy load.
My prima, who understands my “can do it all and it must be the best” nature, said I need to give myself some grace and not be afraid to ask for help. And like always, she’s right.
So, this week I’m going to really try something new.
I’m going to remind myself of what God says about me instead of focusing on what I feel about myself.
He chose me to be their mother. Even on the days I feel so undeserving of this gift, I must remember that He chose me. He doesn’t expect that I’ll fulfill this role without mistakes, but he expects that I’ll fulfill this role relying on his strength and not my own.
“Search for the Lord and for his strength; continually seek him.” – 1 Chronicles 16:11
And, I’m going to ask for help. Can you help me by praying for me? In the aftermath of miscarriage, I’ve struggled with this intense fear that baby Matthew could be taken from us any minute just like our first baby. I want to be free of that anxiety as we get closer to meeting him. Can you pray for my family? For my babies to feel better soon, and for us all to adjust well to our newest arrival?
You all are the best. Thanks for tuning in to our journey and all the love & support along the way.