Guys… I had the worst period in March 2017. Seriously. Which makes me so sad to say, because with PCOS, my periods are so darn irregular that when a real one comes, I feel like I’m dying. After that, April came and went without a period. I didn’t want to get my hopes up that I could actually be pregnant, but something told me I was.
Infertility is a rollercoaster of emotions… and I hate rollercoasters. Over a several year period, I had mourned the idea of ever having our own baby, gave it to God, and FINALLY had acceptance and peace in my heart over this.
So, part of me did not want to take a pregnancy test, while the other part of me just knew I was pregnant. I felt different somehow.
My husband was a bit skeptical, too. He wanted me to wait until mid-May to take a pregnancy test. My periods have not been normal for years, so honestly, it was no shock to him that one had not come in April.
I decided on my drive home from work that I would just take one. Just get that darn negative result and move on. I didn’t want this yes/no/yes/no limbo… my heart couldn’t take it.
I bought a test on my way home from work on April 26, 2017 (day after my 27th birthday!). I stood staring at all the options. It wasn’t my first pregnancy test, but this was the only one that I felt – truly felt – the response could be YES! Suddenly, I had no idea what to buy… finally grabbed one and headed home.
I stood in our front bathroom with butterflies in my stomach. I knew in my gut that I was pregnant. But, what if my gut was wrong?
I finally summoned the courage to pee on that stick, left it on the counter, and walked out of the bathroom. I played with my dogs for a few minutes before walking back into the bathroom.
I closed my eyes. I grabbed the test in my hand. Inhale. Exhale. And again. And again. I opened my eyes.
For those who haven’t taken a pregnancy test lately, one line means negative.
My mind raced… You’ve got to be kidding me!!! One line?! Then what is this that I’m feeling???
I placed the test back in the box, and left the bathroom.
I was disappointed. I choked back tears. I had tried to avoid getting my hopes up, but I just felt like I was pregnant.
I started making dinner when something told me to go look at that darn test again. I pulled it back out of the box, and this time…
I clutched my stomach, fell to my knees in the bathroom, and cried the happiest tears of my life. I was filled with so much disbelief and excitement. I stayed there on my knees for a while, crying and praying my thanks to God for this miracle baby blessing. Over and over again, I repeated, “Thank you, Jesus” through my tears of joy.
After I stared at the test long enough to ensure that second line wasn’t disappearing, I put it back in the box.
I finished dinner, enjoyed a nice evening with my husband, and went to bed. I didn’t sleep a wink that night! I laid under the covers holding my belly, surrounded by my husband and doggy babies, imagining the day we would become a family of five.
At about 4:30am, I got out of bed again to take a second pregnancy test. All the tests recommend that you take them first thing in the morning, as the HCG levels will be most concentrated. I snuck out of the bedroom quietly, and went back to the front bathroom. This time, I stared directly at the test, waiting for those lines to appear. This time I knew there would be two. That second one came through much darker than the night before. Double confirmation!
I wrote a little note to my husband, and walked back into the room with the two tests in my hand. I woke him up, handed him the little note, and the two tests. He had such sleepy eyes, and honestly, looked irritated that I was waking him up. But, his face lit up when he saw that I was handing him two pregnancy tests.
With the cognition of a half-asleep person, my husband read the note quickly, and then stared at the tests. He looked confused.
“Negative?”, he said.
“No, baby, there are two lines there. I’m pregnant,” I replied through my tears.
Still looking confused, he stared at the tests some more. I finally went over to turn on more light so that he could see and understand everything I was trying to share with him.
Once he finally had enough light, he saw what I saw. And he immediately grabbed me onto the bed in a bear hug. We were in mutual disbelief and joy.
With tears in his eyes, he looked at me and said, “We’re having a baby! I never thought this could happen for us.”
Steven went in full daddy mode right away. The very next day he was researching day care facilities, looking into a better family car, and was already thinking about my health.
I always imagined that my husband’s love and humor would have a very special place in fatherhood. And I was right!
“When I was preparing our lunches, I almost gave you the ugly apple, but then I thought… no, she has the baby so she needs the better apple.”
We were on Cloud Nine. Everything changed. The things we were worrying about before April 27th did not matter whatsoever. Ours dreams were about to come true, and that’s all we cared about.
Just as my husband’s love and humor had a place in fatherhood, so did his excessive worrying.
“Now, I’m going to worry until the first ultrasound. Then, I’m going to worry until the baby comes. Then, I’m going to worry until the baby turns 18. Then, I’m going to worry the rest of my life.”
Little did we know that our euphoria would disappear as surprisingly as it arrived. We would soon have every reason to worry until the first ultrasound. We will never see our baby turn 18. And instead of worrying the rest of our lives, we are living with a huge whole in our hearts.
So, during Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, we remember with gratitude the day we were gifted with your precious life, and our hearts instantly grew with love.
April 26th… The evening I fell to my knees in the home we bought to fill with little ones like you, sweet baby. That will forever be one of my favorite days, and you will always be my best birthday gift. You couldn’t hear me, but I was telling you how much I love you and longed for you, how special you were going to be to me and daddy, and how you were God’s greatest blessing. You made me a mommy that day, and I never knew love the way I did in that moment. I love you sweet baby, and miss you every single day.